Simulator games are all the rage these days, whether they come from old and established series like
or new stuff like Farm Simulator Gas Station Simulator. But as a Catholic, I’m overjoyed that we’re finally getting some representation with the Priest Simulator demo.
In Priest Simulator, you play as count Orlok, a vampire and non-practicing alcoholic. Your girlfriend got possessed by the devil during spring break and now wants to go outside and travel. To break this curse, you come to a quiet Polish town that is known for its potent holy wine. Except that the church there has been thrashed by the Satanists and the priest is nowhere to be found. Orlok picks up the phone in the tabernacle aaand now he’s the priest!
In the Priest Simulator demo, the priestly duties include stuff like cleaning up the church of satanic markings and trash left inside. It serves as an OK tutorial for the control scheme of the game: you control your hands individually.
One thing to know for the future is that Orlok will have a bunch of special gloves to choose from that will give his first different powers and abilities. You can already see the plans for them on the white boards in the church attic, but you’ll need to find actual blueprints for crafting.
And you’ll need those gloves to fight the ever-present Satanist threat. The town is rife with them, and they’re of the interesting, practicing variety, so physical confrontation is inevitable. Look, they trashed the cardinal’s Maluch!
To fight the Satanist hordes (and to improve your financial situation), you’ll be able to recruit and collect donations from the aptly-named Christianists. The garb they’re dressed in 100% liturgically correct. They will gladly follow you into battle and lay down their lives engaging the devil’s pawns.
You will need the help because in Priest Simulator demo, like in real life, the priest’s power depends on how close he is to the physical location of the church. Cleaning the place up and sprucing it up increases the range at which you maintain your full power.
All in all, Priest Simulator demo may have been a little janky, but it was definitely funny, always taking you to unexpected places. If the full release patches out all the bugs, we’re going to have some canonically great ol’ time.