Hogwarts Legacy beginner guide – How to pretend you’re still a moral person

Harry Potter fans, rejoice! Hogwarts Legacy is slated to become the best selling game of 2023 and the ratings are high across the boards. Even the most Muggle game reviewer is enchanted by this trip into the Wizarding World! Unfortunately, there’s still the question of whether you can be a good person while financially supporting works associated with noted transphobe J. K. Rowling. But that’s why I wrote this Hogwarts Legacy guide, my morally conflicted wizard friend! Read it to learn all the magical tips and philosophical tricks!

Tip #5: Cast “no ethical consumption under capitalism!”

Screenshots taken from MKIceandfire video.

Yes, “no ethical consumption under capitalism” is meant to only apply to vital things. When a smartphone is a vital piece of tech for being a functioning member of an increasingly digital society, you have no recourse but to buy one. At that point, you can’t really choose to only buy one that was made from ethically mined materials or in a factory that pays a fair wage.

So, you know, it’s meant to shut up the “yet you live in a society” types, not justify reckless consumerism. We both understand that playing a new Harry Potter video game falls in the latter category.

But in some cases, your detractors might not be keeping up with the latest discourse meta. So when that happens, you should be ready to break out “no ethical consumption under capitalism” almost as fast as you do “Expelliarmus!”

Tip #4: Counter-jinx their curses with “Having bought the game, I get the chance to leave negative Steam reviews”

In the magical world of wizards and house elves, posting can be activism! In this case, buying Hogwarts Legacy on Steam means that you can leave a negative Steam review. What’s more, you can use that review to inform the masses that J. K. Rowling is a TERF, that the game itself is about putting down the revolt of oppressed minorities, and so on.

With any luck, this will emolliate any criticism from your friends and casual onlookers. Just hope that none of them point out that you still paid money for it – or that people reading your review will see that you wrote after 20 minutes of playing and then proceeded to sink 1300 more hours into it.

Tip #3: Reveal that you’re protected by the amulet of “Playing Hogwarts Legacy allows me to talk with authority about the bad things since nobody can say that I “didn’t even play it”

Now that’s an argument right there, right? “The critics don’t even play the game” is one of those annoying statements that one tends to encounter online. And while it is certainly true in case of right wingers getting mad about something that doesn’t even exist in the game, the “you didn’t even play” card is bound to be played in talks about Hogwarts Legacy.

By buying and playing the game, you can defang that argument completely – something you couldn’t do by just watching a Let’s Play! You’re not some fake gay hater – you’re a real, gay-as-Dumbledore Harry Potter and Hogwarts Legacy fan! You put money on the line and thus your grievances are more valid than those of people who are actually harmed by J.K. Rowlings relentless campaign to pwn trans people.

At that point, your friends should understand that $59,99 isn’t an endorsement of Queen of All of Terfs, but a smart investment in activism!

Tip #2: Incant “I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good” to activate the Pirates Map

Look, the most obvious issue with playing Hogwarts Legacy is that you’re putting money in the pockets of either J. K. Rowling or a studio that chose to work with her despite her overwhelming need to harm transgendered people. So how do you play the game without financially incentivizing ignoring harm to minorities?

Just steal the game! No money going to She-Who-May-Be-Galbraith – no friends aghast!

You’ll be reconnecting with your wizardly ancestors who were mounting .ISO on Daemon Tools and copying the crack for Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets long before Twitter allowed J. K. Rowling to reveal herself as Voldemort (if he did bigotry and not magic).

“But if I pirate Hogwarts Legacy, but never mention it during my praises for the game, doesn’t it still serve as free publicity as well as normalizing playing the game among my peers?” You have a point there, hypothetical reader, but at that point the question becomes so murky that you’re almost wearing The Cloak of Invisibility!

Tip #1: Level your wand at them and say “I just hate trans people”

If the main argument is that you can’t morally justify playing Hogwarts Legacy as it legitimizes and enriches a person who’s using their massive wealth and status to dehumanize trans women, then there’s only one solid counter spell to that: “I too am gender critical.”

See, this way you may not be a conventionally moral person, but at least you demonstrate internal moral consistency. You can monetarily and implicitly support collaborating with J. K. Rowling because you agree that trans women are nothing but some very dedicated male perverts.

Sure, claiming that men drink hormones to grow breasts and get their dicks surgically removed to infiltrate feminist movements means that you employed the Occam’s Razor and found that misogyny breeding more dedicated covert agents than Stasi or the KGB is more believable than trans women being women. And yes, you do have to make bed with people who want to “Reducto!” LGBTQAI+ until but two letters remain. Some of their arguments do sound like their straight for the gay panic, too!

But hey, Snape was a Death-Eater at some point, eh?

Bonus trick: in case you are determined to use this, the hardest strategy on this Hogwarts Legacy guide, go pro! Enhance your believability by also going after trans men! Who knows, maybe you’ll show your Defense Against the Dark Arts skill in coming up with an argument better than “trans men are a misogynist plot to decrease the number of women!”

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